I’ve had trouble today, as much as I’ve tried flipping back and forth through my favourite verses but nothing on the computer screen (yes, benyong doesn’t like paper bibles- yeah, God really doesn’t look upon me with favour as he does you) seemed to help today.

Reading through the many stories of Jesus’ troubles I realized:

Oh Snap!

I’m not Jesus.

I’ll get through this either  a man of great faith or a bitter, bitter atheist. All I really want for my 25th is some prayer.

I’ve started a tumble-log to complement this one.

Think of it as a wackier, random more colourful blog. See it as a peep hole into the things that engage my mind and personal interest outside of the stuff I usually write here.

Comments are welcome as always.

-benyong

No time for that, No sir-ee.

My only driving force in my career at present is regret. Nope, none of that doe-eyed hope I used to have growing up. I’m not that little boy any more- determined and focused every step of the way to The Dream. I go to work praying really hard I can go through another day without cocking up and come home from work worried that I have cocked up. Every. Day.

At 24 and some 360-odd days *yes yes, big hint dropped here*, I’ll drop everything for Sustained Employment.

Oh yes, then there’s the constant begging question that everybody I know seem to be so obsessed with asking, “Do you have a girlfriend?”

No.

“Oh. Looking for one?”

Nope.

“Oh, why not?”

(Short answer) I’m happy being single.

(Long answer) Well, it’s like this. Every girl I’ve ever been interested in in the last three or four years have basically labeled me a “Nice Guy“, which is basically Generation-Y female speak for obtuse (Classy, much?). To be honest, I’m comfortable with who I am at present but I give waiting up on womankind to actually practice what they preach when it comes to “Not being so superficial” (Cue my Apostrophe Fingers) and take me as I am- a decent person who will quite happily give what it takes to make a woman feel loved and all that bullshit. Maybe if I took care of my complexion a little and earned a larger wage they’ll take notice, but it’s too late for any of that.

The less politically incorrect version usually is “Oh, I have to sort out my career rut before I can think about sharing a future with someone”.

I’m happier being single because I don’t have to give a gnat’s tooth about how I should try to fit in another person into my already pretty packed daily schedule or pull out my empathetic face and sit there watching her agonize over whatever it is that she needs to tell me because we’re in an exclusive romantic relationship or that she thinks I’m as wise as I’ve tried to make myself out to be when I courted her (alright alright, that one has never happened).

Oh yeah, and everyone seems to have been in said exclusive romantic relationships for yonks and are just waiting to drop on a knee with ring in hand or squeal and say “Yes!”

I suppose other kids my age have heavier things to deal with but hey, this is my life. I probably should look into what everyone else my age seem to be doing- Twitter.

I am quite happy to say here that I have developed a familiarity with which allowed me to engage safely in such forms of social interaction thus the words “Charming Young Lad” plastered across my forehead (Hey, it’s big enough to let it all fit in one line. True story.). It could well be the misanthropist in me talking but I just have to get this off my chest:

Why do I feel so bored with small talk?

Oh yes, and I learned a new chicken recipe the other day. It was pretty good though I think I was a little timid with the sea salt. Might give it another go next Wednesday since I’m on a late but not-so-late shift. I’ll be mindful to let you try it to see what you think.

It really moved me, but I didn’t want to admit it so I went for the Hail Mary pass of all difficult conversations- stay really quiet and hope an inspired moment will transpire, allowing me to produce a most eloquent answer. You know, to appear profound as I usually do. (ha. ha.)

Humbling moment aside, I realized the truth when time and time again Biblical men have humbled themselves to accept that the great fortunes upon then are not to their own credit in spite of their natural ability or gifts, but of Another.

I really don’t know how I’ve managed to endure one setback after another, being constantly humbled, condemned, spat upon and regarded as something I’m not. I’m a talented at what I do- I’m brilliant- I’ve everything it takes to excel at what I do for a living yet I am two years behind my peers. It’s a very bitter pill to swallow, to watch people I used to regard as equals move far ahead of me while I flounder in this fate foist upon me by my own misgivings.

It’s painful enough to watch lesser men overcome the hurdles that have caught me, let alone their looking back at me with their forked tongues hurling spittles of flame at me over their shoulders.

It’s not nice. I hate it. It’s why I feel so inadequate deep within.

In fact, I sometimes wonder why I still bother with living life. I sometimes wake up wondering why there’s any point to go on.

How do I do it?

I have no idea, but I know who does.

(NIV) Luke 24:26: Was it not necessary that the Christ should suffer these things and enter into his glory?”

I don’t seek glory, unparalleled success or respect. I only seek normalcy. I want to scrape through and be left alone. To be left alone to my own devices. Away from the laughter at my pride’s expense. Away from the scorn, the hatred, the belittling, the pain of constant patronizing unsolicited advice, the agony of holding back tears as the world reminds me how humble I really am.

Surely, a mere man can have his pithy desires granted?

I wake up every day, knowing that I have before me someone who has endured more pain and sorrow than I could ever imagine yet has made it to tell the tale to generations beyond him.

Noun. Adjective-phrase.

1. Male person who one has deemed worthy of being bought a beer at some point in the near future.

- often used by a male person/character

Michael’s a nice guy; we go out to the pub for a pint or two on occasion and you have GOT to see his golf swing.

2. Male person who is rather bland but has gained one’s good graces through acts of kindness in your favour or acts of giving towards the person using this phrase. I.e. someone said female can mooch off.

- often used by a female person/character

Oh, he’s such a nice guy. He always says things that make me feel warm and fuzzy inside.

3. Male person who really is quite bland but happens to have some romantic interest in female speaker. Quite unfortunately, first person has no interest in this male person but wants to keep him around. Quite like definition 2, first party basically wants to bask in the attention and giving involved in the ritual of futile courtship.

Ben, you’re such a nice guy and I really treasure our friendship.

adverb.

1. Coordinates (43.270643660061154, -2.934894561767578)

See diagram:

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- often used by a male person/character

2. *Cue white noise*

- often used by a female person/character

(To be fair, I’ve had the good fortune of being spared directions in the form of Meaning 2 on my travels. That fortune cookie was true, then- story for another time.)

Statement. Often used as a signpost for an impending long and heartfelt conversation.

1. I need to talk. You need to listen.

- often used by a female person/character

Ben, we need to talk. This new “Definitions” series that you’re writing is very hurtful and I hope that it isn’t a passive-aggressive way of getting back at me- didn’t we let bygones be bygones and move on with our lives? I mean yeah, you’ve got some major mid-twenties’ crisis to handle but I really need to focus on my Sudoku and you’re just being a killjoy. Do you know how hard it is to concentrate while figuring out the numbers that go in each empty square without…

Author: You get what I mean.

2. We need to have a conversation that will escalate to a dispute that I just have to win. Even if it means hurting you in the process and we’ll get nowhere with the fundamental issues we initially intended to work out.

-often meant by a male person/character

You know what, we really do need to talk. You’re a stupid head. Shut up!